Tensions are running high, and everyone thinks they want to die.

Well the last week has been a nightmare.

So stressful, ive been keeping my self together for everyone else, a friend smoking weed, friends falling apart, people having a crisis about themselves, a family thats falling apart, everything is going wrong, and i can tell its not the peak of it yet, at some point, its all going to go crazy and eveyrhting is going to fall. straight. though. the. floorboards.

Its all turning to shit.

I suppose i should elaborate slightly...

Prepare for another long winded arserant.

I feel like im keeping myself together for everyone else. - Well my friends lives are falling apart as well so its not just me, but unfortunatly, ive become the person who is slightly ignored and used as an agony aunt, which i dont mind, i like helping people, i know i rant about my feelings alot, and what happens in my head, but really, who reads it and actaully gives two shits?
Not many people.

I feel like i have to keep it together to try and help everyone else when they are falling apart, i know im not alone in this, a few people i know have this problem of people relying on them, Jemma being one of them, i guess people trust us enough to let us try and help them, but its all getting abit much for both of us i think.

I have one friend who is so self concious that he smokes weed to calm himself down, which i dont like in the slightest, he tells everyone he isnt addicted he isnt stupid enough to get addict, WELL HE IS PRETTY DAMN STUPID TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS SORT OF SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

He isnt the only one, a relative of mine does it too. His girlfriend takes it because she has an illness leaving her with cronic pain all the tiem, so she has to take it sometimes because over the counter stuff wont work, its not good, but its slightly understandable, but he just takes it anyway, which is not understandable, im not suppossed to tell my mum, or i wont get to see him again, and im really close to him, so its horrible cuz he i dont want to get him arrested or anything but im doing the wrong thing.


I've never felt morre seperated from my friends, and teh group i hang aroudn with are so taxing, they get on my nerves and pick faults at everything i do, its no wonder im paranoid...


God.


I hateee life sometimes, just spent ages talking to my mum about it, i didnt tell her about my little breakdown, i sorta mentioned it, but she doesnt actually really know what happens to me when they leave.

As soon as she closed the door today i was like proper sobbing instantly, and after she drove away i could think straight, i was staggering around and my eyes were blurred from the tears, my face was burning, it was like going red so it started burning, like when you blush or get really angry, i went towards teh bathroom for some reason and just fell on teh floor and just screamed so loudly, i just kept shouting and kicking the door and baning teh floor and just screaming so much, i couldnt even understand what i was saying anymore, and then i just laid there for a little bit, i just didnt want t move, i was just walking around after that crying a little bit every now and then letting out a scream or a shout and just eventually i calmed down and just did anything to take my mind off it...


She doesnt know about that. I will tell her eventually, tbh i wish she could see me like this, but also i dont because it will really scare and upset how violent and stupid i get, and the things i say, about me, and what i do. I get violent, i punch and kick things, i hurt myself, i hurt my hands hitting things, i slap my self to try and snap out of it, then i just carry on because in my mind its what i deserve for being so pathetic. I cant really win... But if they were there, im sorta worried id hurt them, even if not on purpose, i have this image of them trying to stop me from hurtin myself and i just kick and punch the air to get free and i accidentally hurt someone, that would be the worst.

But just to let someone know...


The therapists say its just a lack of confidence, id say more like acute paranoia, but hey im no doctor. I don't like it not having a name, like if it was acute paranoia, or slight depression or just something with a name, Id have something to blame with why im so fucked up, tbh i dont want to be totally normal, id like to be a little bit different, thing is, when you try and be different in society, you run the high risk of just being different because your stupid or you act like a fucking moron, or you have the slight chance of being different meaning orignal, like the way you think, the way you dress, the way you act and just the way you are, and if you wanna get out there and be different, its hard to do it right, and until you sorta get there, then i guess you gotta have your fair share of mess ups, i think some lucky people are just that charasmatic and they can just get out there and do that sort of thing, somedays i can be on the right wave length, other days i know ive just been a royal penis, and i can get embarrased by stuff really easily, its embarrasing watching people trying to do the same thing, and when you stop because you realise your failing and they carry on.. Not good.... because then i get embarressed for them, its probably just me who gets this xD but its not your place to tell them not to be stupid, because its like ARG. they have to learn themselves i guess, its harsh to say that something is socially unacceptable, its not unacceptable its just like.... no. Just No.


Ah.. whatever, its getting late so im like pft. fail.



Nighhttt


Sorry for the seriousness of my blog but not everything is funny.


Hayley

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